What would you do if you found out that someone had broken into your home while you were sleeping?

ME: Just call me Southie, it’s my nickname

HIM: That’s why I am calling you to find out if you knew!

HUSBAND: Spoil sport!

Do people really have sex with animals?

HIM: Lord, Father God, I ask you to bless this lovely dinner tonight and I am ever thankful that I was never shot! Lesson learned. I will appreciate tonight’s dinner forever! AMEN!

BROTHER: I wouldn’t know because you hung up on my phone call

SISTER: I would have shot him if he did that to me!

Who is the most dangerous or evilest person of all time?

WHY?

ME: Is she always like that? Rolling out every single words?

The former neighbor’s son then grabs a couple more soup bowls and sets the table. And he then pops bread in the broiler that’s been buttered and garlic.

Why do people always talk about Ohio as it's a dangerous city?

So the dinner goes on, with her husband having like 4 or 5 bowls of Lobster Bisque. Pretty much everyone ate their fill and I had enough for left over for lunch. And he tells them what happened.

ME: Why not? You’re both adults! They can do whatever they want, they don’t need your permission!

ME: (smiles)

How can you tell if someone is cunning?

I had a 3 pound Lobster in the freezer (neighbor gave it to me, because their son gave them too many). I decided to make Lobster Bisque. And I decided to go the Julia Child’s mode, putting the lobster and all with a pan underneath, and I began to pulverize the shells to a fine paste. Apparently, I had also forgotten that HE was still here!

While he took a shower, he then shouted out, I noticed I was running low on eggs, so I shouted back “Grilled Cheese Sandwiches? I’m sort of hungry myself too.”

ME: (goes back and makes another order) Would you like to take a shower?

How do you weigh in on the Vance-couch conversation?

HUSBAND: Sure, hell, let’s eat!

NEIGHBOR (WOMAN): Well, xxxxx (his first name), it’s good to see you! But you know your mom and dad doesn’t live here anymore, right?

HIM: Do you mind if I call my sister up? It will be long distance, she lives in Colorado.

How do the youth in Taiwan perceive their national identity in relation to China?

WIFE: Shot?

The poor guy just literally peed in his pants and his eyes were round as saucers, and he was trembling and frightened and begged “Don’t shoot! Don’t Shoot!”, I then drew back the firing pin, and raised the gun up.

BROTHER: Last warning! I mean it!

How do I develop the patience to read books?

HIM: Please! I’m starving! I drove 11 hours straight to home, well, used to be home!

ME: (turns speaker phone on and sets the headset down)

GLASS MAN: Here’s your receipt! Next time son, ask your Mom over there (He assumed I was his mother) for the house key, and hide it! If there’s squeaky doors, you can…

What do you wear when you are alone at home?

HIM: Opens the refrigerator door, spies the lobster meat, grabs a piece!

HIM: Yeah, I supposed dad retired, that was their plans. Not surprised, but what I am surprised is, they never told me.

HIM: What the hell was that?

As an atheist don't you really feel fear for committing sins which are not violating national laws?

Then I saw my son’s bedroom nightstand light go on, and there was this, young guy, who looked like he was about 24–25 years old, picking up the glass (broke the window), and with my gun pointing right at him.

HIM: Pays the glass man $250.00 cash

He then grabs another cup of coffee and sits there and observes me making Lobster Bisque. The aroma filled the house. He kept coming in with a soup spoon and “sampling”! Then he realizes there’s no Lobster meat in the pot!

Can shaving hair by Veet in our vagina cause diseases?

HIM: Cool! Thanks Southie!

ME: (Giving my full name and he just stood there)

ME: It’s made with lobster shells!

HIM: He then goes through a bunch of hotels and motels, trying to find a room - cheap and as early available entry hours. The earliest one he could find was 11 AM, about 5 miles away.

(I walk him to the hall linen closet, gives him some towels, and he went outside to his motorcycle and grabbed some clean clothes, his soap, shampoo, hairbrush, electric razor, Toothbrush and toothpaste, and other necessities. He pulls his shirt off and I saw him put into another side bag, and I realized that’s his dirty laundry and I tap on the window and “using my finger” - pointing to his dirty clothes and inside. So he lugs all his dirty clothes and brings it inside. Once he comes back inside, and he said “Washer in garage?” Which I nodded yes, so he put his dirty laundry in the garage and said “I will wash it once I get done with the shower.”)

ME: Can’t have dill pickles, I am allergic to dill.

HIM: I did it!

SISTER: WHAAAAAAAAAAAA?

(Pauses)

HIM: Yeah, No, No, No. I was coming home! You know Mom and Dad always goes to bed around 8 every night…

HIM: No dummy! You know I always have that window set, because of work? Remember? It was the only way I could come home from work around 11 at night was through the window.

ME: Please shout out when you’re out of the shower so I can start cooking.

NEIGHBOR (MAN): What’s he doing here?

HIM: My kind of girl!

WIFE: “(First name) GET OUT OF HER COOKING POT! IT’S NOT YOURS!”

HIM: You’re too old…. (then realizes what he just said) I mean, I mean…

ME: Oops, I forgot something!

ME: You’ve cleaned your plate up? Would you like me to make some more?

HUSBAND: Grace here! (begins to eat)

ME: Yeah, the shells. Yeah, not the meat! The meat’s in the pot!

(Gets up and grabs a jar and returns to the table with a fork)

SISTER: OOOOOOOOOO MMMMMMMMMMM GGGGGGGGGGG! My brother’s going to jaaiiiiiillllllll!

SISTER: You’re always talking with your mouthful! Where the hell are you?

SISTER: FFFFFFF….

ME: Go ahead. (leading him to the open area - dining room, and the phone’s right there).

HIM: (in background) Yeah I know, I am at her house, at our old house.

ME: (goes into the kitchen - makes Bacon, Eggs, and Grits with cheese for him - since he looked pretty hungry). Then I bring him a plate and set it down in front of him with a glass of milk, and small glass of orange juice.

ME: Just ask.

He then said “I must had entered into the wrong property. And I really, really am sorry. I will pay for the glass I broke. Where am I?” And I noticed the neighbor’s dog walked up to him, and he called him by name, and told him “on bed”. As he didn’t want him cut up (glass on floor).

SISTER: (getting mad) Enough with that bulll-shittttttttttttttttttt!

He then takes the Blind dog out in the backyard to do his business, and then brings him back inside - wiping his paws, and then has him to follow him to the spare bedroom (which is a queen sized), and had the dog on the bed and he tucked himself in. Was out cold in about 5 minutes or less.

ME: What if it were me? What would you have done?

ME: (Laughing) Yes, you’re old enough to be my son!

HIM: You just pulverized the lobster?

HAHAHAHAHA! It definitely woke him up!

HUSBAND: “But it’s so good! Try it!”

ME: Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

HIM: You’ve never met my parents have you?

ME: Yessssssssssssssssssssss! (reminding him of his sister)

While this one here may cause many people’s eyes to open! No criminal charges were filed! In fact, a case and event like this is super-rare!

HIM: (goes to the drawer, spies a notepad and pen and stays at the dining room table) Dialing some 24 hour Window Repair, getting quotes. Found one guy who can come out in the morning to fix it. (Cost $250.00.)

ME: NO!

He then said “Why is xxxx (dog’s name) here?” I then responded, “The neighbors next door had to take their other little dog over to the other side of the state for surgery. I am babysitting him. The reason why I pulled the gun back was to the fact the dog knew you and you called it by name.”

SISTER: Hey, I just realized you called me from someone else’s name? I was checking the caller idddddddddddddddd?

ME: Yeah I could have too but I didn’t!

(He opens the other window curtains, and I could see his Honda Goldwing, 1100, parked right there. Apparently, he opened the double-gate and parked his bike there. Which that right there explained to me why there’s a small “concrete pad” (about 9′ x 7.5′) and the double awning was set high (which acted like a “Bike Port”).

HIM: They brought the dream RV, they’ve gone RV’ing!

ME: I know some parents who fits the bill of what you’ve described!

WIFE: (FIRST NAME) Mind your manners! We have to say the grace here!

SISTER: WHUUUUUUUUUHHHHH?

He then tells me that he’s going to take the blind dog out for a walk. But the dog kept taking him back home (next door). So much for the dog walking, he wound up carrying the dog back over here because he wouldn’t get up after lying down on his front porch!

HIM: I’d probably shoot and ask questions later.

HIM: He really doesn’t know my parents!

ME: I’m married - taken - sorry!

HIM: (thanking me and tries to eat and with the headset propped up on his shoulder)

ME: Oops! Sorry! I forgot you were here!

ME: (Gives him a thumbs up)

SISTER: Yeah buttttttttttttttttttttt…. You moved!

Then her husband begins to eat.

ME: About another half hour before the meat goes back into the pot.

ME: Gee! Thanks a lot! I’ve spared you but you wouldn’t spare me?

He grabs the soup ladle and serves everyone.

WIFE: (smacks him)

HIM: Oh sorry Ma’am Reverend, Priest, (stumbling for words)

GLASS MAN: (Eye rolls) and within 25 minutes, he got the glass repaired and it was all safe and sound.

HIM: ___________!!!!!!!!

I also handed him a Can of Sprite, and told him to “Sit down”, and he did. I then said, “Your mom and dad sold the property to me; they’re out per what their last words said and the bumper sticker on the back of the RV “Out spending their children’s inheritance”. I had been upgrading and remodeling the house if you noticed the wall there is wide open and unfinished (I had a huge blanket propped with clothespins against the wall that was opened), as you can see it’s now PVC piping, the sewer pipe below has completely rusted out so the new pipes going in tomorrow is propped here.

SISTER: WWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA DUH FFFFFuuuccccccckkkkkkkkkk?????!!!! You broke in?

WIFE: “FOR GOODNESS SAKES GET OUT OF HER KITCHEN NOW!”

GLASS MAN: Well, why didn’t you knock on the door!

ME: Laughing

ME: STAY OUT OF THE DANGNABIT STOVE AND REFRIGERATOR!

He invites them inside and they’re giving their dog lots of loves, while her husband is catching stuff or holding stuff!

He stood there, and said “This was busted from the outside in. Did you call the police?”

WIFE: (slaps him)

HIM: (Pulls out $300 handing it to me) For the food, shower, bed, and laundry and all. Can I leave my bike there, I’m going to head back home tomorrow. If my sister ever calls me back, give her my telephone number (writes it down and places it beside the phone). Thanks for everything!

HUSBAND: What did your dad say about your profanities?

WIFE: Hello (calling her first name) How are you doing over in Colly-rad-O?

HIM: At our old home?

ME: Pow, Bang, to the moon, Alice, to the moon!

BOTH are talking, and apparently his sister is surprised that Mom and Dad had sold the house, they didn’t tell her either.

HER BROTHER: Knock it off before I hang up on you again! I swear that’s the only good reason you moved over there because weed is legal!

And I went to finish up the soup and the neighbors next door came over, and they were literally SHOCKED to see their old neighbor’s son next door answering my front door! Their dog was so happy they were home, and his tail was knocking everything off within its reach, almost toppling over the living room lamp!

ME: No! They are not!

HIM: ______________!!!!!!!!!

SISTER: Sooooooooooooooo where’s mom and daaaaaaaaaadddddd?

HIM: Thanks so much Ma’am, and oh, What’s your name?

WIFE: “ YOU ARE ALWAYS HUNGRY! You need to lose some pounds buster!”

ME: Yes, I can drink 12 pot myself!

He then comes out, shaving with his battery operated electric razor (rechargeable) and then goes into the garage and runs the washer.

Her husband takes the dog home, and the wife then tells me “We sent my beloved baby to rainbow bridge. Surgery was no longer an option or advisable. We had a taxidermist come out, as I am having my baby going through taxidermy. When it’s time for me to go, he’s going to be buried with me.”

HIM: (sheepishly) Yeah, I broke into her house and busted the glass

SISTER: SHUT THE FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKKK UPPPPPPPPPP you biiiiiiiiittttttttchhhh!

I then said “Backyard”, so he took him to the back yard. Then I heard the dog howl-bark (he doesn’t make a sound, unless there’s absolutely something drastically wrong). I just ran into my own door, because he opened it while I was heading out to the door to find out why the dog was howling and howl-bark and then he grabbed me and said “Sorry! I was going to say they’re home! But I didn’t see (name of other dog)!”

HIM: Please!

WIFE: “DID YOUR MAMA EVER TELL YOU HOW RUDE YOU ARE?”

ME: No your brother is not going to jail. I am not calling the police.

I then said “Hold on, it’s possible the dog did not make it.”

HIM: Yeah, the new owner made me breakfast, I’m starving!

HIM: I didn’t come by car or truck, I came by motorcycle. It’s parked at my usual spot over there.

HIM: (laughing) Yeah, that’s about right!

I gave her a gentle hug and offered my condolences. And the former neighbor’s son also gave her hugs. Then the wife said “You know, you should come over our house and spend the night, it’s somewhat intrusive that you’re over here. And deary? (Speaking to me) Thank you for not shooting him!”

Then the phone rang, while the Wife and neighbor’s former son washed and dried the dishes.

HIM: Yeah I did move, I’m on vacation, I came down to visit Mom and Dad….

ME: Would it be easier to ask me if you could sleep on the spare bed here?

ME: Want the short story or long story?

He then assumed I was related to the dog’s parents, because he said “Please tell Mr and Mrs xxxx, that I will pay for the window, I was trying to go back home.”

HIM: RIGHT ON!!! (opens the pickle jar eagerly and stabs himself a couple of pickles and offers me)

WIFE: (First name) what am I going to do with you!?

HIM: Yeah, and bad enough, she thinks she’s cool! If she talked like that to Mom - Mom would have slapped her brains to the other end of the street. And if she talked like that to Dad - well, she wouldn’t have any body parts left!

HIM: Please don’t tell me you’ve pulverized the Lobster meat?

HIM: (Yelling back) AWESOME DUDE! (Pauses) SORRY! AWESOME SOUTHIE!

HIM: HEY! That’s not nice! Apologize!

Well, I brought the property (house/residential), the Owners wanted a quick sale because they brought an RV, loaded everything they wanted on it and was “Out spending their children’s inheritance”.

SISTER: WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT???????

HIM: I love lobster but….

HIM: Oh mannnnnnnnnn! I love that!

HUSBAND: (clicks phone off and with a gruff) She hasn’t changed! Wondered what she called about?

SISTER: YEAHHHHH But you bro…………….

ME: “Would you like to join us? You can hear the tale of the busted window!”

The Rest of the day was pretty quiet. Late in the afternoon, My mom calls, and said “He’s (my son) is going to spend the night, you can swing by in the morning to pick him up! We’re all beat! Heading to bed early tonight!” I then said “Fine, see ya’ll tomorrow.” I phoned the dispatcher to find out if they had any knowledge when he (my husband) would be heading home, and was advised he’s still heading out to Seattle, probably won’t be back around here any time soon, probably a good 2 weeks or so.

HIM: But that’s already too much! I’ve busted your window, and you’ve spared me death, fed me, allowed me to do my laundry and shower.

HIM: _________!!!???__________

ME: Sure.

WIFE: Yes she doooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss!

We ate, and then he insisted on doing the dishes, and he did it all, and figured out where everything went after he dried it. I had the television on (early morning news).

I then said “Where’s your car or truck?”

I then told him to “sit down on my son’s chair.” He then said “in a minute, cleaning up…” I then realized he wasn’t a threat, so I went to the garage and got a plywood board and we made it fit (temporary cover).

SISTER: What the ffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccckkkkkkkk? You’ve got the entire neighborhood in the houssssssssssssssssssssse?

HIM: Please don’t mimic my sister!

To the fact he was picking up glass, he then said “So sorry, I was going into my bedroom and couldn’t figure out why my window wouldn’t open, so I forced it open and broke the glass.” (he was becoming teary eyed). I had a broom and dustpan right there in the hallway closet and pulled that out and kicked it over towards him while turning on the lights above (ceiling fan), and then told him “Garbage can is right there, beside my son’s desk.”

HIM: (puts $20.00 bill under the phone) - dials - gets his sister (who apparently just came home from work - a grouch).

HIM: (he hung up on her)

ME: Yeah, it’s over there in the top drawer.

ME: No, that goes in the last 5–10 minutes before we eat.

For some reason, I was working in the office, and since my small couch is also a daybed, I went to lie there with the neighbor’s dog next to me. The dog nuzzled my arm, and I woke up, and I felt a very strong draft. (I knew I had all the windows closed.) So I pulled my Ruger Blackhawk (SuperHawk) 44 magnum, loaded it, and turned the safety off (ready to fire).

Then tells me to sit down after I put the hot pads on the table.

HIM: (shrugs) And looks at the 2 grilled cheese sandwiches. (I knew what he was looking for that wasn’t there)

SISTER: No shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttt Sherloooooooooocckkkkkk You just now found that outttttttttttttt?

ME: (laughing)

So after the 2nd 12 cup pot of Mr. Coffee brewing, the glass guy called early, and came around 7:30 in the morning!

SISTER: OOOOOO MMMMM GGGGGGGG!!!!!!! Mom and Dad disappeared! They’re being held hostage!

ME: (being humorus) So you like to rolllllllllllllllllllllllllllll? Every word you saaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy?

SISTER: WHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?!!!!!

HIM: Awwww!

HUSBAND: “So? I know good food when I see and smell it! I’m hungry!”

HIM: Do you have a yellow pages?

SISTER: Fock youuuuuuuuuuu!

SISTER: CHILLLLLLLLLL OUTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

One night, our son was sleeping over his grandparent’s house (they had a big event - going to Busch Gardens), my (ex) husband got called to work, so I was home alone. I was babysitting my neighbor’s next door’s almost “blind”, but elderly, dog (they had to take their other dog across the state for surgery). That dog was a Rottweiler Timber Wolf mix.

FORMER NEIGHBOR’S SON: I will ask the blessing if I may? Southie?

ME: (in background) Hey hon! I’m not so cold hearted that I shoot everyone that breaks into my house!

HIM: It’s alright, I cleaned it up, and we got a board up. Going to buy her a new window in the morning!

ME: Thank you very much sir, you did a great job! Good bye!

ME: Have you ever had Lobster Bisque?

HIM: Well I found that out!

It was his sister (told me to put her on the speaker phone)

HIM: But it’s so good! How much longer?

I’m brewing coffee, and he then says “I hope that’s a full pot you’re brewing.”

HUSBAND: “I’ll seat myself! Serve it up!”

WIFE: Son (talking to former neighbor’s son), You have a lot of explaining to do here!

ME: Well, I am sorry to report this, but again, your parents sold me the property. They no longer live here and I couldn’t give you any other information except they took off RV’ing and exploring the North America, as I did hear them remark “We’re heading off to Canada.”

BOTH NEIGHBORS goes into the dining room. Her husband goes into my kitchen and grabs a spoon, “Ohhhh, Lobster Bisque! My favorite!”

SISTER: OOOOOOOOOOO MMMMMMMMMMMM GGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

I then asked, “Is your mom and dad’s names xxxx and xxxx (last name)?” He said “Yeah, I’m (xxxx) first name.”

SISTER: But they wouldn’t leaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvveeeeeeeeee ussssssssssss!